Remember when you and your partner had the luxury of fooling around just about wherever and wherever you wanted? Well, now you have kids!
I bet your kids are just like mine: pretty awesome… except when they are killing your sex life!
Who has time to think about makin’ love when you’re picking up their dirty socks and reminding them for the 1,652,225 to do their chores, or go to bed, or brush their stinky teeth? Who has the energy after a long day to ‘get in the mood’? I bet I know what you are in the mood for: SLEEEEEP. Maybe not quite sexy, but very satisfying. Just before your eyelids flutter shut into dreamland, you catch a glimpse of your partner’s dark circled eyes and think: Where did the magic go?
Let’s be real. The kids are stomping all over the magic. They are doing normal gross kid things that kids do. They are throwing up, clogging toilets, and picking their noses without a clue that their normal kid disgustingness is making passion with your partner take a nosedive. So what can we do about it?
Here are five tips that I’ve used at varying times in my relationship with my husband:
1. Get the hell out of your house!
Rent a hotel room for a night. It doesn’t need to be that expensive, that’s not the point. It just needs to be private and not surrounded with the kids toys and your distracting electronics. If you can afford one with a hot tub, and a good bed, then book it!
This is a luxury and not something that we can afford more than once every two to three months or so, but it’s worth every penny. And you know what’s more expensive than a little getaway? Divorce.
2. Take turns initiating:
To throw out a random number, let’s say your goal is to have sex once a week (or maybe three times a week! Hell, maybe you’d be happy with once ever two months!) Discuss it with your partner and agree on a number that feels realistic. Now, take turns initiating. It’s still exciting this way because your partner doesn’t know when you’re going to say, “Let’s get naked!” or… ya know… whatever it is YOU say. Maybe: “Give me a massage.” *wink wink*. I don’t know, you figure it out and go for it! If you’re somewhat shy about this, texting during the day can help give your partner the head’s up as to where you are at. When my husband texts me during the day to see how I’m doing, there’s definitely a different outcome depending on whether I send him back the ‘red lips’ emoji versus the ‘thumb’s up’.
Best of all, taking turns initiating eliminates any tension of “When will we be having sex next?” You’ll have a time frame to look forward to.
3. There are different ways to stay intimate:
Bring back the passion! Kissing, touching, hugging, slow dancing. These gestures are all physical loving connections. Bringing back romance can work wonders for putting you in the mood. TELL YOUR PARTNER THIS, THEY ARE NOT MIND READERS. Open a bottle of wine, turn on Frank Sinatra, and slow dance in the kitchen. Remember why you chose your lover in the first place. Remember that you used to have fun!
4. Quickies to the rescue!
So this is sort of the opposite of the last suggestion. I think that long drawn out kisses as well as Quickies can fit into a healthy sex life. Sometimes you are not in the mood but your partner is. Connecting doesn’t have to be a marathon. Just make it known ahead of time, “I love you, but this is not a marathon.”
5. Get over it.
If the uninhibited ocean of wild sex that you once had has slowed to a quiet trickling stream because you’re worried the kids will hear your loud waves crashing on the shore, then at some point you may need to say, “Fuck it”. We crank up the music in a couple of different rooms in the house in hopes of drowning out noises the kids might not love hearing which allows us (me) to feel less self-conscious. Does it work? Well, our oldest commented the other day while we were eating dinner together: “You know, even through two layers of music, we can still hear you guys.” My response? “Well too bad. Your dad and I love each other.”
I think kids would rather see that their parents are warm and loving than witness a cold relationship.
Remember, one day the kids will move out and you and your husband will be staring at one another. What will be left at that point? Granted, every relationship has its dry spells, and extenuating circumstances, we’ve had ours! But overall, I don’t want to turn into roommates.
Try to have some fun! *Cheers!*